Toxic

"...I'm addicted to you, but I know that you're toxic."

Sing it, Brittany.

I woke up sweaty from a nightmare last night.  A psycho was on the rampage, and he had decided to stalk and kill me.  I knew he was watching me, someone who knew me and knew my routines.  And he was leaving me hints all over the place that I was being followed, and would soon end up dead.  No one believed me.  In my dream, I told my mom, and finally she told me to call the FBI.  Which I did.  And in a very CSI-style plot, my stalker sent me a DVD in which he outlined how he was going to find me and shoot me. 

Yeah, it was scary.  I was terrified.  Knowing that some crazy lunatic was hot on my heels, ready to do me in.

And I think I had the dream because I spent much of yesterday reading a book about all the insane toxins and endocrine disruptors lurking in pretty much every product I use and food I ingest.  I think my nightmare stalker was Diethanolamine or some paraben or laureth sulfate.

On the way home from work today, I heard a commercial for the Breast Cancer 3-Day walk.  I started crying, thinking of all the people fighting and dying from cancer, and here we've all been slathering known CANCER-CAUSING agents into our actual skin (or brushing, rinsing, or eating with them) for decades now.  And I've been trying to make little steps towards "greener" or "healthier" or "hedging my bets against the myriad diseases for which I am already genetically prone", but this book/nightmare/commercial kind of put me over the edge.

And so, I think I will have to bid a teary adieu to my dream of asking for this trench coat (or gift card contributions towards it) for my birthday, and will instead ask for things like organic cotton wash cloths, bars of plant-based soaps, samples of organic and natural makeup, and a couple of boxes of phenylenediamine-free hair dye. Because I am not yet ready to be a grey-haired, acne-faced, musky-smelling, potato-sack-wearing eco-nut.  I assure you, that day is probably coming.  But I'm trying to ease my way into this by trying to find alternatives.

It could be fun!  Like when you see the magazine ad for the CUTEST outfit, and then go in search of cheaper knock-offs at Target and Old Navy.  It will be like that.  But instead of cheaper, it will probably be 8X more expensive.  And instead of "just as cute", it will be "gets the job done without killing you".

The book I read last night (called "Gorgeously Green" by Sophie Uliano, and borrowed from Jackie's extensive green library) suggested that you get started by naming a few things in the present tense, not future, that you will commit to change.  Not "I will buy non-toxic cleaning products", but "I buy only non-toxic cleaning products".

Here are some of mine, to keep me accountable:

I am a former soda drinker.

I buy only natural cotton unbleached tampons. (Come on, do you really want neurotoxins THERE?)

I plan my meat-free meals to include as many local, seasonal, organic vegetables as possible.

I use plant-based bar soap rather than liquid chemical body wash.

And I'm going to research makeup, lotion, and hair dye options online tonight and make a "wish list" for the future, since I know this stuff ain't cheap. Step, step step.  One change, then another, then another.  I bet you that I will realize that a crap-ton of the stuff I currently think that I "have to have" will never make it back into my cabinet once I realize what is in it, how much the alternative costs, and what else I could buy with that money (hello, trench coat!). 

Now if I ever have a dream about SUGAR trying to kill me, I will wake up crying.  That's probably my next detox.  Because I know that I probably wouldn't NEED the acne treatments, wrinkle creams, moisturizers, and "diet" food if I would just not eat so damn much sugar.  Sigh.

We only get one body.  One life.  If our body is a temple, then mine is definitely beginning remodeling.