Turn, Turn, Turn

to everything
there is a season
and a time to every purpose under heaven

Have you ever had someone say something to you that was so obvious, so simple, so embarrassingly true, that the words got stuck in your brain for weeks? I've been thinking almost daily about a conversation I had nearly two weeks ago. I've been reluctant to write about it, but since I've talked with Hubs about it quite a bit now, it doesn't feel like a secret anymore.

So the convo I mentioned took place in my friend's car, in a parking space outside of an uber"granola" green-living store in Lisle. A good friend and I had met up for dinner in an in-between suburb, and we hadn't had a heart-to-heart in a long time. We talked about the all kinds of things. Personal things. Dreams, fears, present, past, future. The convos you can only have with a handful of people in the world. And in the course of that convo, my friend reflected on some musings about the future I had just shared with her and said:

"I feel like you need to hear that having a baby of your own would not be hypocritical or selfish. Maybe you will adopt AND have your own. Or maybe there are other ways you will care for orphans and kids in need. But if you do have a baby, it would not equate to turning your back on kids who need moms."

[Insert image of bomb being dropped]
[Insert image of my mind being blown]

It's amusing to me to realize that probably any of you could have said that to me, and most of you are probably puzzled that I would ever think something like the above. And here's the thing: I didn't actually, conciously, actively think those things. But that's what's awesome about friends who love you and listen with love. Sometimes they can see and hear things in your words that you cannot. And this friend saw and heard what I hadn't said or thought yet - that I had made up my mind that even if I got over my fears of motherhood, and even if everything aligned just right so that the "perfect" time and life were all set up to add kiddos to our family, it would be wrong and selfish to give birth when so many kids need moms.

Kind of like my insistence that the only acceptable pets are those who come from a shelter and my new greeny tendencies that tell me to buy from thrift stores or re-purpose things before you buy something new. 

Does that rub people the wrong way? I'm not advocating for that kind of mindset, I'm just sayin'. My secret weird thinking had suddenly been revealed. And two weeks later, I'm still mulling this all over in my head.

Now, to make things even more interesting, around the time I had this enlightening convo, I was scratching my head and wringing my hands over the creeping suspicion that I was maybe, *possibly*, (don't-place-any-bets-on-it-but-something-weird-is-going-on-with-my-body) pregnant. I am not, turns out, but it was a very VERY strange couple of weeks. 

And let me just say that I am the ONLY person in the world who could get pregnant while using a ridiculously effective (like, 98%) birth control AND only seeing her husband on the weekends. So, I admit it was a long shot.  But I know my body pretty well, and something was definitely amiss. All is well now, and I'm checking in with my doctor tomorrow to talk about everything. 

But anyway. TMI, TMI, tra-la-la-la-la-LA-la....

Here's the craziest part. For the 4 or so days I thought I might be pregnant, I was secretly and inexplicably *so* excited. And I told no one. Not Hubs, not anyone. Because I wanted to know for sure before I started freaking anyone out, and I knew that the odds were very very slim. But AugDog and I had some interesting private chats during those four days.  They went something like this:

Me:  "AugDog, do you think you could learn to love a little Wolf person? Or would you be jealous and mean? Do you think we should get started on your nice-ness training right now?"

AugDog:  Huh?

Me:  "Augs, if we ever have a baby, you'll get to be the big brother! Won't that be fun! I promise the amount of food on the floor will go up exponentially if that ever happens!"

AugDog: Food? Where?

And when I finally told Hubs after the negative was confirmed, he asked me why I hadn't told him sooner. And I told him that I didn't want to stress him out or cause any undue freakouts. To which he replied, adorably:

"Well, I would probably freak out for 5 minutes, and then be really excited."

So, anyway, the wrap-up to these eventful couple of weeks has been a new calm pondering of possible family. Calm, interested. And for the time being, still distant future.