Release Me/Hold On

Did it ever amuse anyone else that Wilson Phillips' two biggest hits were "Hold On" and "Release Me"? I saw Bridesmaids a couple of weeks ago and WP's cameo reminded of the snicker I always got out of that (Bridesmaids is hilarious, BTW, if you can stomach lady-potty humor). But I feel like I am the soon-to-be-dismembered Lamb in one of Auggie's games of tug, and so these songs both seemed apt titles for today. 

Hubs has a big decision to make by tomorrow, and it is causing him a great deal of distress. Consequently, it is causing ME a great deal of distress. But I'm forcing myself to chill and eating my feelings choosing to be calm and optimistic about the situation.

He got offered his "1-year" teaching fellowship again, at the school on the other side of the state. Only this time, his contract explicitly stipulates that he will NOT be offered a job or fellowship again at the end of the next school year. I suppose it is merciful that they build in a definite termination date for these job-seeking adjuncts, so they don't just hope and pray that they will keep getting fellowships indefinitely.

But we have to weigh the pros of gainful employment over the (in my opinion, myriad) cons of taking the job again. A job that has us living apart for 9 months. A job that is a 70-hour-a-week job on a good week. A job that adds to his CV, helps him make academic contacts, and prevents the dreaded "employment gap". A job that he truly loves and at which he is a rockstar.

If he takes the job, the main gamble is that he STILL will not have time to devote to his writing and he will find himself back in this same exact spot next year - no academic papers published, no job for 2012. Only Yale will have nudged him across the stage with his PhD, so he will no longer be affiliated with Yale or the fellowship school. Effectively, he will be SOL. Even for a recovering pessimist, I can see that graduating without a job offer or a publication effectively spells Doom. Professors go stale, and every year there is a fresh new crop of desperate eager graduates all competing for the same scant positions. 

So, what's a boy to do?

What would you do, if you had worked for something for 15 years, and realize that this year is essentially the Make It or Break It year?

I want to tell him to stay home. Not just selfishly because it sucks to live apart from your husband. But also because I am not a gambling girl. I would bank on fatigue and stress and ulcers with the "teach during the week and write frantically on the weekends" scenario. I would (and have been) encourage him to take the full year he needs to work diligently on his papers, and pour himself into Goal #1 - GET SOMETHING PUBLISHED.

But I understand that he loves to teach. I understand that he wants to be employed, to prove to himself that he has what it takes to teach and write at the same time. He reminds me that that's what "real professors" have to do. That's what he (and we) signed up for. I understand the fear that if he does not get offered a more permanent teaching job somewhere next year, these two fellowship years may be the only years he gets to be a professor.

I want to hold on to him. Sit him on the couch and tell him to stay home. Stay with me, and with AugDog. See his friends. Have some work/life balance. Let himself have the time he needs to produce some great writing. But I know that either way, it's a gamble. Our gamble. His career, our life. I've been praying that the Lord would give us a clear direction in this decision, and that I would be able to pray with open hands about it.

My hubs is doing some great work - work that he is so gifted and talented to do. I know for a fact that he made a big impact on some of his students' lives last year, both academically and personally. He made an impact on his fellow faculty as well as one of the few believers among his colleagues. As hard as it was to live apart, I'm really proud of his work, and the work that he will do in the future.

I'm confident that whatever he decides will be the right decision. I really do feel calm about that. I feel like the only thing I've felt/heard recently from the Still Small Voice is to trust Hubs, and to trust that everything will work itself out eventually, no matter what he chooses.

I've got to let go of the little dream world I want to concoct in which Hubs has a tenure-track job, and I can quit my job and work part time as a florist/part time for a non-profit, and write and make things and cook and volunteer. For the time being, I've got to bring home the tofu-bacon. Which is OK with me. I just have to Keep Calm and Carry On, as the posters say.


So, you know, if you are the praying sort, maybe say a prayer for discernment for me and Hubs. Thank you very much.