A lot of things used to keep me up at night. I felt like my heart was broken into screaming little pieces over injustice, war, disease. Suffering. But not so much anymore. Am I jaded? Comfortable in my selfishness and naval gazing? Smug and "safe" in my world, now that it feels right-side-up for the first time in many years?I've just created buffers to the misery all around me. We don't have TV. I don't read or watch much news. But even Facebook posts remind me that there is a whole planet full of unspeakable, almost unknowable agony.
Meanwhile, I ponder whether I should buy a $40 summer-sale dress from JCrew. Meanwhile I make lists of ideas for ways to expand storage space in our apartment so we can FIT ALL OF OUR SHIT into our "too small" home.
Really? REALLY?
My blog name says that I'm a JesusFish, whatever the heck that means.
I think I'm doing a grave disservice to the idea when I click glibly away from photos like this:
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| Somalia Famine |
What will it take for Jesus to break my heart? What will it take?
Anyone?
Anyone?
Help me out here, I'm sitting in a swamp of tears and confusion. Besides prayer and donations, what can I give? What do I do with all this? What do you do with it?
My undergrad major was Linguistics. I love words, I love their meaning, their origins, the way usage changes over time. One of the most profound linguistic insights I have ever been given was actually at a staff retreat when I worked for Habitat for Humanity. The speaker (who was a college kid actually) reminded us that the word "Compassion" means "with suffering" or "suffering with" Com=with, Passion=Suffering.
This definition rattled me then, and it rattles me still. When I pray for compassion for the suffering around me, I'm asking to suffer with people in agony. To cry out with those who cry to the Lord "HOW LONG?" That is, if I pray that at all. Lately my prayers have been more like "please help Hubs finish his paper and get something published" or "Thank you for all your blessings. Help me to be more thankful." Or I pray for people that I know. People who are, genuinely, suffering. But what about the world? What about those emaciated children? What about them?
That's when the Wilco song starts creeping into my head. Maybe from God.
I Am Trying
To Break Your Heart.
Now what?
Suggestions welcome.
1 comment:
I think He breaks our hearts so we can love and see with eyes more like His...and He still cares about Hubs getting a job and helping your to be more thankful- He is THAT BIG. I think seeing the needs in the world is an ongoing, everyday thing and believing that He loves them more then you ever could but also never being satisfied with anything less than total abandon to his purposes in your life and the world....for His glory! Too often I accept less but thankfully He will not allow us to be content with anything less than His plan.
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