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Today is my last day at work. I can hardly believe it.

I'm not excited, or sad either. Just sort of determined and calm. And thankful for my dear friends here who have stood by with hugs and giggles and shoulders to cry on over these three years of crazy. My co-worker gave me an "Explore North Carolina" guidebook and some stationary, so I can write to everyone (he's not on facebook!). I also got a Darth Vader doll and a Chicago skyline snow globe from some other friends. We went out for margaritas last night, and others will take me to lunch today.

I feel celebrated and loved. And I am thankful. And feeling a little self-conscious - like I want EVERYONE to know how awesome they each are as well. I want all of my friends to know how much they mean to me, and how much I will sincerely miss working alongside them. I've made some thank-you notes to give out today. And I have to keep breathing deep breaths. It is very surreal.

This is just going to be a random babble if I don't get my head together. But it seems as though that is not likely, considering that I locked myself out of the apartment today when I took Auggie for a walk and left the keys on the TV stand. A kindly neighbor let us back into the building, and I was able to pound on the door to get Les to wake up and let us back into the apartment. But then I left my umbrella on the sofa when I made a dash for the train.

Last day jitters.

We don't know where we are going to live, or how this move is going to work, or how we can possibly start go get settled and make a new life in NC. It feels totally overwhelming. And that's just the move part. The saying goodbye part makes me physically ill when I think about it.

There are exciting parts. And things I'm looking forward to. But can they possibly be as exciting as singing Christmas Carols at The Bean on Fridays in December? Or busting out a bottle of wine on a Monday night with Jackie while we sew crafts -- hers perfect and uniform and mine lopsided and bootleg? Or walking AugDog to the Lake on a perfect summer evening? Can it be that great? Really? Because as excited as I was at first, I feel like I'm waking up more and more mornings with the "This is by far the stupidest idea I have ever had" sentiment punching me in the face.

What am I taking us away from? Our friends, our family, our city, our comfort and confidence and community? Why on earth would I do such a thing? For what? An adventure? A bigger apartment? A warmer winter? A job I like better than this one?

Well, I hopepraybeg that this is the right thing. A growing and flourishing thing. A move to bring us closer to what and where and who we are meant to be.

This first Big Ending, this last day at work, feels surprisingly chill. But I am ridiculously tired and more than a little cranky (Thanks PMS!), so hopefully we can just slide this day right through with minimal angst. That would be a great start/ending.