Freak Out

I've decided not to limit my blog post titles to song titles anymore. I really liked the idea of building this Ultra Life Playlist from my posts, but there have been so many days that I haven't posted because I couldn't think of an apt song title that I decided to scrap it. Because I really need to write today, and so far I have never heard of the song "Holy Shit, I Might Actually Have a Terrible Disease". But if you know of something similar, please let me know.

Remember when I wrote this post about some inconclusive tests at the doctor's office? And remember how I titled that post "Peace Like a River"? Well, Part 2 of that post started writing itself yesterday, and inspired the above-mentioned far less peaceful new song suggestion. I sat in my new North Carolina doctor's office and heard her tell me that she is "quite alarmed" by my symptoms, my lack of improvement since October, and what she considered a fairly significant oversight by my Chicago doctor. Not what I wanted to hear. And I wanted to hear this next part even less.

There are three primary suspects for my particular cluster of symptoms, and the doctor wants to rule out the worst possibility first. So, guess who's going to get a colonoscopy before her 34th birthday? (Hint: the same person who's mom just died of colon cancer 2 years ago!). Apparently that is still the outside chance, but neither she nor I want to take any chances. We'd both rather just scrap that possibility immediately. Ok, so assuming I do not have metastasized colon cancer (early stage colon cancer doesn't usually have ANY symptoms), possibility #2 is endometriosis + something wrong with the GI tract. Awesome. It's amazing how the possibility that you may have an infertility-causing disease trips some sort of switch in your previously-ambivalent brain that initiates the "I'M NEVER GOING TO HAVE A BABY!" meltdown.

The "let's rule out colon cancer immediately" directive made me feel icy and dazed. The "or it may be endometriosis" conversation actually made me feel weepy and woozy. And then her third - the "best case" - scenario is that I have some atypically-presented food sensitivities that have built up to all kinds of hotmess and trouble in my whole system, causing inflammation, pain, and GI distress. Or possibly a combination of food issues and cysts, blah blah blah....

Sooooo.... I got home from the doctor and told Les what the doctor said and started weeping uncontrollably. Some peace, huh? He's of course convinced that it is food stuff. When I managed to get myself together, we planned a massive Whole Foods shopping trip where we gathered food that the doctor suggested for a 2-week long elimination diet. That helped us both feel like we have some control, I guess, even though I was trembling with panic for most of the day.

And next I get to work with COBRA health insurance from my old job and the new insurance that I WILL have once my 3 month waiting period runs out in March to make sure that any tests I have before March will be covered. Oh, and that I won't somehow be denied new coverage because I found out that I am sick. [I will spare you all my rage-rant about the inhumanity of an employer-based health care system for now, and about the psychotic evil of kicking people off of their insurance when they get sick. Politicize it if you want, but it happens, and it is evil.] But assuming that all checks out in writing, I will be scheduling a set of Very Unpleasant Tests in the weeks to come. I promise to spare you all the details of those and share only pertinent outcomes.

I haven't had much of a brain for anything since yesterday at 9:30am, but I'm trying to just Do The Next Thing. I don't know how else to do it in this waiting place.