Listen To Your Heart

I actually look forward to the New Year every year. I get excited about making my annual List, and reviewing the previous year's list, and taking some time to reflect about my life and the Lord's blessings and look ahead to the hopes and plans for the year to come.

I don't make resolutions in the traditional sense; instead, I write a list of 10 Things I Want In My Life In 2012. Sounds selfish, I know. This tradition began almost 10 years ago after reading an article in a magazine in which the author gave up resolving and started owning up to the deep desires of her heart. Rather than committing to changes or diets or habits or whatever, she listened to the cravings and longings she had been carrying around and set those to paper instead. And you know what, when I have been really brutally honest with myself, I can look back over those 10 lists and see pretty clearly that the years that I have been most "successful" have been the years that I let my desires shape my intentions and then "put them out there". And when I'm really REALLY honest, I can see that most of the things that I would resolve to start or stop are really just shades of desire. "I resolve to take a language class this year" is really more like a shade of "I really want to keep learning, and to stay engaged with the world". But that "really want" may not make a strong enough case to make it in to the List. I have to dig a little deeper.

It's tough to keep resolutions that are just lists of "Shoulds". I should really lose 10 pounds. I should really be able to run a 9 minute mile for 10 miles. I should pray more. I should volunteer once a week. Maybe one year, 3 years ago, it was a deep desire of my heart to run a marathon. It was, honestly, and I did. But I don't desire to run a marathon this year. I'm just not feelin' it. And that's OK.

When I looked over my list from last year, I'm disappointed to report that I did not complete A SINGLE THING ON THE LIST. Not one thing. I came close to a couple, but none were a true hit. My poorest showing yet. And then I look at the list more closely, and I admit that it really was more of a list of Shoulds than a list of True Desires. So this year, I'm taking a bit more time with my list. I'm giving myself until this Friday to finalize it.

The two things on last year's list that came the closest were actually the two things that I think I really wanted the most. Which is encouraging.

- Make purchase decisions based on a mindset of abundance, reduced consumption, local sources, and durability (this desire actually birthed the whole Green Gray and Grace blog)
- Actively pursue, look for, listen for, seek advice about, and go after my vocational calling

I'm not sure that I have really "found my calling", but I'm in a job that I like a heck of a lot more, and we made a major move to go after it. So it's a start. But this year, I think I'm better off sticking to List items that are a bit more measurable and check-off-able. Like "Make The Baby Decision". Stuff like that. Or "Make Mozzerella Cheese From Scratch". You know, either one of those.