Tenuous Part 2

When I wrote this post yesterday, I honestly didn't make the connection that I might be feeling particularly crappy this weekend for a reason.

But then, as I was about to leave work, I printed out the volunteer sign-in sheet for today and hit "Save" and I typed today's date: May 19, 2012. And it dawned on me: 3 years.

Mom died three years ago today.

I have remembered that anniversary on and off this week. A lot of mom-things happen in May. Mothers Day, May 19, and my wedding anniversary/anniversary of her Celebration of Life service on May 30. But for the last week or so, I hadn't given May 19 any special thought.

Tonight I sat out on our back porch with a hard cider and scribbled out a letter to Mom like the ones I have written for Dad for coming on 11 years now. A rambling recap of everything she missed this year, everything I have been wanting to ask her, to tell her, to remind her. It was a long letter. This was actually the first time I had written one to Mom. The first time I could, I think. I told her about the move, the job, how hard it is some times. I told her about how sad I am to sell the family house. I told her about the adoption information packets I have started to download. I told her about my rescue farm day dreams and how much I wish she could show me how to garden properly and how desperately I want to ask her about mom-things.

I feel better today. Better, and bug-bitten from the porch, and I'm relieved to remember that at least some of the freak-out preparation from yesterday was probably my brain remembering and my heart aching in a quiet place that I hadn't made space to listen to lately.