Tenuous

My uncle had a stroke yesterday. And the realtor for mom's house recommends that we lower the asking price, hire a lawyer, and file some new paperwork, I cannot keep up with my emails at work and I had volunteers snarking at me this morning, I'm distressed by the softening of my mid-section and thighs, and I cannot seem to even muster up much of a feeling at all about any of it.

Ok, that's not true.

I do muster feelings of frustration, sadness, and stress but then I think about the very small number of days we are given on this earth (even if we are fortunate enough to live a long and healthy life) and I just want to scream "WHO GIVES A CRAP!" about the house price, the paperwork, the emails, the thighs. The stroke draws all that into even clearer focus. My uncle is my dad's oldest and only surviving brother. He's in poor health and has a ridiculous lot on his plate. He has many more reasons to scream than I do.

I have a tenuous grip on calm today. I'm reminded of how those days of thin and crackling calm used pile one on top of the other into a slow rolling panic. Used to. Not any more. I'm not quite sure what happens now. What happens when healthy people feel like a freak-out is about to burst out of their skin with a shriek? If they don't actually have a meltdown, what happens?

It is probably not a good idea to just keep it in side, roiling. Not a good idea to drink, or scream, or punch or eat or whine or shop or take it out on one's spouse. Run! Cook! Hang out with friends! Pray! Stretch! Meditate!

What do healthy people do when all of those options make you want to barf a little? When what you REALLY want to do is go to the mall with a giant Frappacino in hand, and go buy some kind of work-out-inspiring outfit so you CAN do something about thighs and your stroke risk, starting tomorrow. What if what you really want to do is say "We'll buy the house" and go start a rescue farm in the boonies and adopt a baby and raise it up in your family house and grow your mom's peonies and lilacs and learn how to grow your own food?

I know that none of those possibilities will really solve anything. I will, we all will, still have to figure out what to do in the "now/not yet" life that we live here. It is a beautiful life. I believe that with every bit of my heart.  A beautiful mess, but truly beautiful. I am thankful for this day, and every one that I am given. But man, I wish I did not feel so much of the mess today.