No job, no house yet to set up. I spent a decent chunk of the day trying to figure out how we were going to get our down payment money from our bank in North Carolina, since they do not authorize wire transfers unless you come into a branch in person. In person. And while I appreciate the extra security of this measure, and there's something to be said for the fact that a random person couldn't just call up my bank, have access to my account info, and say "Please send me all of the money. Thank you.", it is still a weeee bit stressful.
As soon as I start to stress about it, though, I remember that we are buying a house. A bit of pop just choked in my throat to remember it. I struggle with this new reality a bit. It's not like it is somehow sinful to have a house. It's just. So. Much. We have so much, and I have to literally re-ground my brain in gratitude and thankfulness, or I will flip into Fear and Anxiety and Guilt.
Psalm 16 is my anthem this week. I don't remember that it has every struck me before, but it really hits home in this season:
Keep me safe, my God,
for in you I take refuge.
I say to the Lord, "You are my Lord;
apart from you I have no good thing."
.....
Lord, you have assigned me my portion and my cup;
you have made my lot secure.
The boundary lines have fallen for me in pleasant places;
surely I have a delightful inheritance.
I will praise the Lord, who counsels me
even at night my heart instructs me.
I keep my eyes always on the Lord.
With him at my right hand, I will not be shaken.
Therefore my heart is glad and my tongue rejoices;
my body also will rest secure,
because you will not abandon me to the realm of the dead,
nor will you let your faithful one see decay.
You make known to me the path of life
you will fill me with joy in your presence,
with eternal pleasures at your right hand.
I omitted a chunk near the beginning that talks about David's enemies and their suffering. Not going to grab onto that part for now.
Because, seriously, there is so much suffering. I have a hard time feeling joyful in this sweet season when my sister's best friend was just diagnosed with advanced pancreatic cancer. She's 33. She has two little girls at home, and is married to the love of her life. My heart breaks for her. And for Egypt, and Syria, and for so many people I know and love who suffer.
How do you live without waiting for the other shoe to drop? When the circumstances of your life are sweet, do you ever start to feel anxious that surely, something is going to go terribly wrong at any moment? I am not called to live a life of fear, but I struggle to keep my eyes on Jesus EVEN WHEN THINGS ARE GOING WELL. Sometimes, maybe, it's easier to look to the Lord when the earth is crumbling out from underneath you. God is God, no matter what is or isn't going on with me.
I saw a lovely art print on Etsy the other day that reads:
All of my life
In every season
You are still God
Maybe I need to get that tattooed to my forearm?
To everything, turn, turn, turn, there is a season.
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