Up for Air

I think I can feel the gluten molecules scratching on my insides, stoking the embers of inflammation. I'm still on "vacation diet" mode - eating an egg sandwich for breakfast and slurping down my favorite latte from the local coffee roaster. I contemplate my poor choices and resolve to "do better when we move". Like I've given up on any discipline, fitness, or wisdom for the rest of our Raleigh life. I'm tired, I'm a bit melancholy, and somehow I have convinced myself that it will be easier to fend off the angry whispers of anxiety if only I have a full, wheaty stomach and caffeine coursing through my veins. Ever notice how to-go coffee lids turn your latte into a sippy cup? Thank God for it. I'm nursing mine like crabby toddler.

We move in roughly 3 weeks. I'm not actually sure how we are going to go about it, but I do know that we have not packed a stitch or even reserved a moving pod. I know that we are going to be living at my in-laws for at least a month, assuming our home buying process goes smoothly and we close on Sept. 10.

Home buying? Yeah, so we're buying a house. Trying to, anyway. And I have done the math a thousand times and I know that *technically* we can "afford it",  but it is going to be a stretch and we'll both have to commit to doing something we've never really done since we've been married: stick to a FREAKIN' BUDGET! Because that's what responsible grown ups do when they spend a ton of money on a home and only one of the two grown ups has a job. They budget. They clip coupons. They forego the lattes. It's not like I haven't done this before. We've both been broke individually, so we know we CAN do it. Just like I know I CAN run 10 miles, eat grain-free, and keep the bathroom sink clean. I just haven't done any of those things for a long time, and they do not come without work and commitment and discipline. And I'm having a hard time mustering up any of those things lately.

We just got back from a glorious vacation to California. My heart was so full of beauty, I thought it would burst. And we got to spend time - real, deep, late, full, laughing time - with dear friends who I have missed so much. Healing and sweet time. Leaving them hurt, and foreshadowed our upcoming Friend Leaving. But I refused to allow myself to get weepy, so I drowned my sorrows in coffee and bread. I took pictures and thanked God for the blessings of friendships that stretch across an entire continent and into and out of years. I felt babies kick in bellies and wiped lunch off of a toddler's face and stared blinking with disbelief at an almost-four year old run around with her siblings. A four year old who I watched come into the world. God is so good, sometimes it makes me ache.

When I returned to work yesterday, one of my work friends informed me that "Your womb was quite the topic of conversation while you were away!" Huh? Apparently my coworkers took advantage of my absence to discuss and speculate about my procreative plans, and even prayed for me together at staff devotions. And while I'm not turning down any prayers for a future Wolf cub, this revelation totally weirded me out. Especially because I have NEVER openly discussed our trying to start a family. A few co-workers sort of "put it out there" a couple of months ago, and now they won't drop it. One of my male colleagues also asked me, in a room full of people, whether I had taken a pregnancy test yet since I've been back from vacation. Because, you know, he was SURE that the trip was supposed to be our baby-making escapade. I was horrified. I don't think many people heard his question, but I assured him that I would keep them posted, and he didn't need to ask. Ever. Again. What is wrong with people? For all they know, we've been trying for months and we're starting to feel panic rise in our throats every time it turns out we are not pregnant, again. For all they know.

For now, I'm trying to take it one major-life-transition at a time. Pack, move, survive a month of in-laws, move into a house, set up a house, look for a job, become disciplined about my health, my cash flow, and my schedule. Then maybe, when we come up for air, I'll feel a little less prickly about my womb, and it's lack of use.