As I was stretched out in a yoga side-bend this morning, I was thinking about the fact that there is always The Next Thing. That pining. That "If I could just have X, then I'll have everything." Boyfriend, husband, job, house, house with yard, bigger house with yard, dog, better job, newer car, garden. Baby.
Have you seen that wall art for babies' rooms that says "First we had each other, then we had you, and now we have everything"? They make me throw up a little in my mouth. I'm 100% sure that even if we have a child, there will be something new to take the #1 Daydream to Pine For slot. A second kid, a bigger car, a better job, a vacation, whatever. Longing.
Right around New Year's Day this year, I decided on my mantra for the year. The phrase to repeat over and over when I start to unravel. Preferably, actually, before I start to unravel. My first thought in the morning and my last thought at night. The meditation to calm the flurry of my heart: Be Still and Know that God is God.
Admittedly, I have been oh so lazy about actual practicing this mantra. It usually only comes to me in the moments that I am either 1. Already Pretty Calm or 2. Totally Losing My Shit. Which I guess is better than never, but still. I thought of it again today in that side stretch, because it dawned on my that there is no way I am going to make sanely it through this Waiting season of life without it.
We're always in a holding pattern for something, but I tend to see those longings as something I can fulfill if I just put my mind to it: a strategic job search or uber-disciplined budgeting or just muscling up some gumption to plant a friggin' garden already instead of just obsessing over Pinterest pages. I can, at least I tell myself I can, make those things happen. I even thought that about love and marriage for a while. And part of me still have a vice grip on the notion that if I can just eat the right foods and do the right yoga and see the right acupunturist and use the right ovulation predictor tools, I can MAKE THIS HAPPEN. Ok, let's be charitable and say Les and I can make this happen.
Nonsense, of course, but keeping busy and sticking with a plan makes us feel better.
The pastor who oversaw our pre-marital counseling told us that whether and when we have children may be the single biggest thing in our married life that confirms for us without a doubt that we actually have very little control over our lives. God's plans are not my plans. Be still and know.
I'm not sure how long we go on trying before we shift gears completely to adoption. That decision may coincide with running out of Health Savings Account money to spend on acupuncture, but we'll see. Les's school year is finished in two weeks, so I'm hopeful that he and I can go to some adoption appointments together. He'll have almost as much work to do over the summer as he did all school year, but at least he won't be locked into a teaching schedule and we can do some of the work of deciding on an agency and a course of action. Might as well get that going in the meantime, right?
Then we can adopt another dog, plant a vegetable garden, become vegan, go back to Portugal, and pay off all my school loans. Whatever. There will be something new. That's not necessarily a bad thing, but my attitude and my clutching and my general tendency towards excess and avarice? Those can get out of bounds really quickly. Time to Be Still.
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