This Shit's About to Get Real

Here's what I've been reading this week:

Let me use this blog post as our "Shout it from the rooftops" moment: We are officially "in" with the whole International Adoption thing. Les even drove over to his parents' last night to talk with them about it and give them some time to digest the news. Those of you who know Les's family know that this was a BIG step for us. The biggest so far. They took it well. His mom is still hopeful that we will be able to have our own children, and that's OK, because we are too. But I think it's beginning to sink in for her that after a year and a half of trying, the odds are not really in her favor for biological grandchildren.

We've told our families and we're going to vet just one other adoption agency before we bite the bullet and begin the formal application. We attended an info meeting this week from Holt International and really liked everyone we met. I felt very comfortable talking with their case workers and we feel like it could be a great fit for us. Being the deliberaters we are, it didn't seem prudent to meet with just one organization, so we hope to get to meet with another early next week and then dive into the fray.

I'm as excited as one can be at the very beginning of a 2 to 3 year process. When I take the medium-length view, I get anxious and discouraged by how long the process takes, so I'm going to focus on the short-term "What Do I Need to Do Next" view and the long term family-building view instead. Les and I have already started taking steps to get more of our ducks in a row. I have renewed motivation to get the downstairs of our house put together. Sticking to a budget and really saving is slightly more doable now that we have a concrete goal and a rough timeline. Getting serious about investing in our marriage relationship by making time for real dates and quality conversation and joint book-reading and prayer has taken on new urgency. We should have been doing these things all along, I grant you, but better late than never, eh?

The moment I realized that we are truly both on the same page about adoption and ready to act on our intention, I felt the sinews in my over-wrought shoulders finally relax. I suddenly felt very aware of the tension and physical stress I have been carrying around for months - probably ever since the miscarriage. I have been in a constant state of low-grade panic since March. Panic that I would never have a baby and we would never get our asses in gear for adoption and so we would never have a family. A heavy burden of Nevers and Loss. Hearing Les say that he was definitely as ready as he was ever going to be and excited to start the adoption process was the happiest and most relieved I have felt since we lost the babies. The next step was in sight, and we were grabbing hands and ready to take it together.

When Les was over at his parents' house last night, I imagined the conversation I would have with my own mom and dad. I think they would be pretty excited and supportive, if a little sad at the thought of us not having our own kids. The very fact that I do not get to have that conversation, that I am parentless, is a big slice of the "Why We Want to Adopt" pie chart. Churchy people keep asking us questions like "How is adoption an act of obedience for you?". It always feels like a trick question, as if the only legitimate reason Jesus-followers would adopt is because God told them in a dream that they are supposed to bring home a baby from Ethiopia. Does a lifetime of strong inclination towards parenting a parentless kid count? Do we satisfy the Act of Obedience litmus test if we say that we really want to have a family, we can't seem to make one on our own, and both our hearts are open to the joys and tribulations of parenting a child we didn't fashion from our loins? I don't know, but I hope so. In any case, when I reply to the Act of Obedience question that I don't have parents anymore and that I cannot imagine the pain of never having known that love, and that I long to be a parent to the parentless, that seems to be an adequate response. Can I say that I feel "called" to adoption the way Les is called to teaching or friends have been called to overseas mission or the priesthood? No, I don't think I can. But the cumulative tugs and nudges, daydreams, inclinations, and circumstances have added up to a sizable mountain of evidence that the door has been flung open, and the Lord would be pleased to make a family for us this way. I hope so. We're eager and just naive enough to jump into the deep end.