its the end of the world as we know it...

...and i feel fine.


wow there is so much to write today i think perhaps i should post two posts. i'll try to keep it concise.

first, a vignette:

i took a friend to go to a film yesterday called "happy go lucky". a film i highly recommend, and a review of which could have been its own post. i decided to go to this movie as research for the optimism experiment, since it is simple and beautiful character study of an optimist living her far-from-perfect life. 118 virtually plot-less minutes about a smart, present, intuitive, flawed, loving, happy woman named poppy. the contrast between her and the decidedly unhappy but altogether relatable people in her life was like a hot poker in my ribcage. you leave the theater scratching your brain at how to become more like poppy and less like the unhappy masses around her. and, for me, newly re-convicted of how desperately the world needs the light of the love of Christ. for the record, there is nothing 'religious' about the movie.

ANYWAY. my friend and i walk out of the movie theater and i spot a blue mail box across the street. i tell her that i need to go drop something important in the mail, and flash the Epic Ex reply card in the air and trot across the crosswalk to the box. mel catches up to me and sees me standing, kind of stunned, with one hand on the mailbox handle. there at the mouth of the mailbox is a big sticker that reads "do you believe in FATE?". i grin at her and she asks me if i want her to take my picture - convinced that this is an assurance from the Universe that skipping the wedding is the right thing to do....

i was pondering all that i absorbed and mulled over yesterday while i was getting ready to meet a friend this morning before church. about the process of letting go of Epic Ex. about the movie and about how the attitude i bring and the way i love people should stand out in contrast to the cynicism of the world. how i long for it. my mind reels, generally. the last couple of days it has been on overdrive.

so i met my friend JT for breakfast and i feel a quiet revelation sneaking up on me as we talk. too much to write here, but i'll say it felt like an invitation. an invitation to start loving and living and nurturing and caring in a new way. in a way that she needs. in ways that all my friends, all kinds of people right in front of me, need. it felt like a freedom to let go of the guilt i had not managed to muster up at not being involved in organized volunteering lately. free to just love people right in front of me. excited to do it, and to look for ways to do it more and better.

i went to church with actually low expectations. 'missions sunday' tends to kind of be a let down. but not today. today i felt like the guest pastor was speaking directly to me. so. many. things. in my head...

he spoke about PASSION and living your life. about GOOD vs. evil. about FAITH vs. fear. about LOVE vs. revenge. about a whole mess of things that i have been pondering and writing about and praying. good good and good. i wrote his name at the top of my sermon notebook and wrote '*epic' next to it.

my mind is kind of exploding witha too many thoughts to think. like a new clearing in the path. good. time to start walking.

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Part 2 -
the other reason why this weekend was sort of the end of my world as i know it is because after church on sunday i had a warm and calm and all together better-than-expected talk with Epic Ex. i told him that i would be in portland for the weekend of his wedding. he nodded and said that 'that sounds like more fun than going to a wedding'. i kid you not. we talked about the wedding, his family, his bride-to-be. even their timeline for having kids and what she wants to do with her life. which was, admittedly, a bit strange and i could feel my face flush hot. but i was overwhelmingly reassured and happy to have been able to talk with him like that. i thanked him for inviting me, i got to tell him that it means a lot to me that he would ask me to be there. to which he replied "i wanted to invite you, i would be happy for you to be there if the timing had worked out. you are definitely welcome". the crimson heat of my face almost paralyzed the 'thanks' i choked out. he asked about my new job, about my mom, about my friend T in portland. he complimented my hat. (am i ridiculous to confess that when i saw it, part of the reason i bought it is because i knew it was something he would like and think cool? well, there i said it).

i'm struck by how 'getting over him' and 'closure' have never totally been a 'done and DONE' situation for me. i suppose that is because we are friends and still part of each other's lives. we have to keep (well, i have to keep) confirming and affirming my emotional wellness about not being with him. and i can not even be looking for more 'closure', but then i get some more as a gift and i can just be thankful again. thankful that we are friends, thankful that he is happy and excited and living his life with passion and a craziness that i always knew simmered inside him. thankful that i'm able in these last couple of years to live in hope of being loved and treasured in a fuller, bigger, right-er way by the guy who is truly for me. something about his ridiculously romantic, EPIC love story gives me hope. if he can do it, trust me, anyone can.