i'm feeling guilty for feeling so.....happy.
there. i said it. two weeks and two days since mom died, and my prevailing emotion is still unnervingly positive.
most of the time.
i was running yesterday after work and for a split second the image of mom in the last couple of days of her life writhing in pain, bleary eyed and unable to speak, popped into my head and i started tearlessly sobbing so hard i had to stop and catch my breath. but then i remembered that she is NOT SICK anymore. and i felt the warm sun on my face and i saw the beautiful peonies blooming all over town and i felt happy again.
and lighter.
like i have lost 20 pounds. (i have not, for the record, lost any pounds, and if anything it looks like i have crept back up the scale in the last month or so of crappy eating and sporatic exercise...). but 20ish pounds of fear and sadness and dread. 20 pounds of sleeplessness and angst and the anguish of her pain and of my helplessness and the guilt of wondering if i should have moved home months ago. its all gone.
when dad died i remember that every time i would start to say something like "my dad always loved this movie" or "we only ever had diet pop at home because dad was diabetic" i would be awash with tears and shaking sadness. but for the most part i was relieved when he died too. and it took over a year before i really started to grieve the permanence of the loss and life without him. maybe it will be like that this time too?
sometimes i wish i could cry and be sad. that would certainly make people less uncomfortable around me. i'm nervous that by the time the crying starts, everyone will have forgotten about mom dying and i will just become 'random crying girl' again. i hated being random crying girl.
well anyway, if there is one loud and clear message of mom's life it is that worry, complaining, and anticipatory dread have no business taking up emotional space. she sang and praised God and thanked people and loved with her whole heart until her very last days on earth.
so i'm not going to demand to myself that i be sad if i'm just not feelin' it. and today, with the farmers market and the bright sun and the yummy salad i had for lunch, i feel pretty shiny and happy. that's one of the biggest bonus blessings of faith in Jesus and the promise of redemption. i'll see mom again, and dad, and neither of them will be sick or hurting. they will be radiant and new, forever and ever. amen.
that's something to be happy about.
1 comment:
You have a great way to look at your loss. They are both out of pain, what more could any child want for their parents. It is good that you let them go to be free, rather than cling to them out of your own selfishness. That is a very mature outlook. Enjoy your life, and know they are at peace, and are angels looking out for you.
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