fumbling towards ecstasy

all the fear has left me now
i'm not frightened anymore
it's my heart that pounds beneath my flesh
it's my mouth that pushes out this breath

i ran 9 miles this morning and as i slowly dragged my tired legs up the hill back to my car after our group stretch i was slapping tears off my hot cheeks. all i could think of was that i wanted to call mom and tell her that i just ran 9 miles. NINE MILES MOM! I DID IT! i wanted to tell her. i wanted to tell her that it wasn't so bad. that i'm not particularly scared about the mileage going up and up, because the 9 miles had seemed ridiculous a month ago and now i've done it and it was no big deal. hard, but not painful. work but not torture.

just wanted to tell her that.

and i wanted to tell her that i had a date. it was lame, but it was a date! a real one. i met up with one of the eharmony guys at julius meinl (joy! rooibos red velvet latte!). we're talking, he looks a little twitchy, but we have lots in common and the conversatin feels like it's flowing just fine and then he looks at his watch and BOOM! i get a "well, i'm gonna get going." ummm..,, ok..... we walk outside and he shakes my hand and thanks me for meeting him. no "i'll call you" or "i'd like to see you again" or anything like that. the date ended abruptly 47 minutes after it started. fine. whatever. i'm not scared of this dating thing not working out. i'm not unhappy. i'm just single.

then i ended up talking to Yale on the phone for 2 and a half hours. at some points i thought i could maybe swoon and then at other points i was disheartened and annoyed and convinced that it just won't work out. but i want to like him. and i still think there may be potential. but who knows. he may have decided that he is not as excited about me as he thought he was.

and that is fine with me.

honestly, i'm nervous that i may have trouble feeling particularly excited about anyone until i feel like i have met someone extraordinary. that's the catch, really.

really.

i just want something extraordinary. is that too much to ask?
for now i'm just fumbling in that direction.