i will follow you into the dark

something something something. i can't quite put my finger on it exactly.

something is still holding me back from being totally over the moon. ring shopping, the wedding plans, the TogetherLife that Yale and i are talking about. its not Yale. i am superexcited about marrying him. about being with him and sharing our lives, and serving and loving and loving the Lord together. that doesn't scare me. that makes me happy. the wedding stuff seems a little overwhelming right now, but that's probably because my shoulders are in knots every day and i'm growing a new ulcer with the stress of this job that i cannot seem to turn around.

could be job stress. but i also think i may have bumped into "the something" in the dark last night.

Yale and i were snuggling and happy, talking about happy things. he said something along the lines of growing old together, or living happily ever after, and how he is so confident that the Lord has good things in store for us.... and i burst into tears. well, 'burst' may be an overstatement. i slid into tears. big rolling salt tracks down my cheeks. and i choked out "but EVERYBODY thinks that - what if that's not true! what if you get taken away from me!?" and i didn't even know what was coming out of my mouth at the time, but as soon as the words were in the air, i knew.

"i'm afraid that if i love you too much, God will take you away from me. i'm afraid something will happen to you. i'm afraid you will die, and i will be alone again, but worse."

and there it was. that same Big Fear, creeping up in the shadows out of nowhere.

and no matter how much he said to try to comfort me, i couldn't stop crying. and his assurance that we would be together for eternity didn't really make me feel any better. even though i know it is true.

so. the optimism experiment apparently does not extend to expectations of even a season of happiness. i know that God does not promise anyone any happily ever afters. Yale and i are both realistic about the struggles we'll face, and sadness, and loss, and grief. but apparently my brain takes that realism and spins it into a blizzard of worst-case-scenarios. and the giant Ticking Clock that ticks along behind everyone i love.

of course none of us knows when we or someone we love might be called Home. we don't know how or when. we don't know who will go and who will be left. but last night, next to my love, i felt a crippling surge of fear. i know it was not from Jesus. fear never is. and it passes easily enough. but it did dredge up some new insight into why i continue to tapdance quietly around the ridiculous happiness i want to feel.

maybe, as hooooney said, i am still thawing out. and it will come in stages.

maybe i should see a therapist. like, soon.

deep breaths. time for a season of good, i think. BELIEVE.