umbrella

my desk is abloom with no fewer than 4 bouquets of flowers - 2 fresh cut and 2 painstakingly hand made paper.

i had to use the mailroom trolley to transport my unbelieveable haul down to the parking garage.

and i have never been so delightfully surprised before in my life. and certainly never felt so much love at work.

my tricky tricky co-worker caitlin had sent me a meeting request over a month ago to ask me to come and speak to her "women in leadership" committee about spring volunteer events, so i had had this little 5min blurb on my work calendar for a long time. when she called me at 2p to let me know there had been a meeting room switch, i still never suspected anything was amiss.

so when i opened the conference room doors to see every single one of my 50+ colleages sitting around a pink-orange-red decorated conference room shouting "SURPRISE!" i nearly peed in my pants. i was totally shocked. and i felt like a big idiot with my stack of volunteer fliers in my hands....

a big, lucky, ridiculously blessed idiot.

my very same boss who, six months ago, i think was cooking up a "reasons to fire jill's sorry ass" list was suddenly transformed into a hostessbridesmaid, snapping photos, giggling, clapping, and acting as my right-hand woman while i opened a mountainous pile of gifts in front of my smiling colleagues. she re-packed all the boxes with tissue and tucked all the cards back into the boxes with the gifts. she kept the list of who gave what, she fashioned all the ribbons and bows into the paper-plate-bow bouquet. she handed out cake and cups of pop. and she made a point to come up to me after everyone had gone back to their cube and tell me that she has been working in this office for almost 10 years, and she doesnt' think they have ever had a staff wedding or baby shower where every single person contributed. and that obviously that says a lot about how people feel about me here, and that everyone is happy and excited for me. she even said "you mean a lot to people here".

it was totally surreal. not even just the awkward "open a huge mound of plates and cutting boards in front of your friends and work acquaintances". not just the "wow, your boss is suddenly your new BFF". although that was really weird. it was really yet another sparkling, bright, shiny example of LOVE and friendship pouring in at me from people and places i never suspected. the Lord is so gracious to give me such incredible friends. i was stunned.

it's also kind of weird to be on "this side" of a wedding gift extravaganza. how many years have i half eagerly/half resentfully trolled a wedding registry for a friend or cousin and inwardly pouted about when it would be "my turn" to have nice things? how many longing perusals of the crate and barrel catalog, warring with myself between "buy it now! you may never get married and don't you deserve matching plates??" and "why buy it now? you're single and it is perfectly acceptable to have hand me downs and mixy matchy stuff".

and this whole idea of "deserve" still weirds me out. so many of the lovely, personal notes in the shower cards had phrases like "you deserve this!" and "you deserve to be happy!" and "no one deserves this more than you do!"....

what is that about? doesn't everyone "deserve" to be happy? in love? starting a new happy chapter? i certainly do not think that we are promised happy, or in-love, or happily ever after. and i definitely do not think that i have "earned" or "deserve" Yale or a wedding any more than any of my single friends deserve love and marriage. before i met Yale, i didn't go around thinking that i was single because i didn't deserve to be in love...

i guess they were just trying to be nice, to convey that they think that i am great and that they are really happy that i am getting married, and that they are excited for me. but when i think about deserving, i am still a bit perplexed. i've spent the better part of the last 10 years trying to convince myself that being single or being married had nothing to do with "earning", "striving", or "arriving" at some sort of achievement. that being single was not indicative of some sort of personal failure or character flaw. so the deserving idea really rubs me the wrong way. i want to dispel this myth! to renounce the idea that God's grace and good gifts are something that we can save up to cash in. like a cosmic reward points plan. rubbish! total trash.

i don't know why God has decided that now is the time for me. even if it does feel sometimes like several long years of pain finally dawning to some shiny lightness and happy. God wouldn't be any less good if i were not engaged. if i were not happy. if my boss hadn't somehow chugged some wedding kool-aid and become the Rainbow Brite of the staff party. i ain't gonna lie. it feels pretty darn good. i will enjoy it. i will give thanks. blessings rain down.

but i don't deserve it.

besides, i mean seriously, am i going to have to have a baby next to keep The Boss in such chipper spirits? cause i would rather just get a new job :)