That Was Your Mother

I overheard this voicemail being left yesterday while getting off the train. It made me choke a little.

"Hi mom, I was just calling to chat and find out when you and dad are planning to come in this weekend. I'll be around tonight so call back whenever. Love you!"

I used to leave messages like that for my mom. Cheerful, expectant, full of love and genuine friendship. I let myself miss her for a moment. And then cried a little for my friend who lost her mom last week to cancer, and my other friend who lost both of his parents on Sunday night in a tragic car accident. I didn't know what else to do but cry with them. I wonder if from now on others' griefs will always pick at scabs of mine. Selfishness, empathy? Hard to say. Probably a mix. Hopefully a graceful combination of shared suffering, prayer, something like that. Less and less self pity.

Have you ever suddenly realized that you are probably pretty healthy? It's a weird thought. "Wow, I would have thought I would be a basketcase, but look at me, being all non-basketcasey. Well, thank you God!" On Friday I have a Skype interview for my maybe dream job. A dear former Habitat for Humanity colleague is hiring a new Volunteer Services Manager for his affiliate in North Carolina, and I'm one of the people they are interviewing for the job. I really REALLY want to have that job. I would love to work for HFH again. I would LOVE to get the frack out of Illinois before the winter really gets a toe-hold. I would love to do a job that contributes to the greater good. But all of those statements, please note, are "I" statements. I'm not an "I" anymore, at least when it comes to things like jobs and cities. And Hubs has been terrifically supportive, but we both know that moving across the country would be a huge upheaval, and could even further complicate his job search.

And so. I breathe deeply and trust that The Right Thing will make itself apparent. They very well may not even offer me the job. It would certainly be a lot less hassle for them to choose someone who already lives there. Less hassle, less expense, less risk. I think the decision to do a Skype rather than in-person interview indicates to me that they are not super-duper serious about me as a candidate. That maybe I'm just in this last round because my friend is the boss-man. Oh well. It was nice to day dream about warm winters and big apartments for a little while. And totally strange to even contemplate moving away from so many dear ones. Really letting go of The Family House, the deep but wriggling Midwest roots, all that a place and an area can mean for one's self-concept. Strange, but exciting. Strange and exciting to be contemplating it so coolly. For now, anyway.